he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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