I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
