I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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