My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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