did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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