Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
