Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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