She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
