Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
