i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
