whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Mom said you looked used
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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