Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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