I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
