theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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