standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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