it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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