I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
