I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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