Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
