Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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