apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
