I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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