wrigley field is MILF paradise
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't deserve a penis
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
