remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
