i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
