Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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