Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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