I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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