It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
