I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
