i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
