It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
