Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
