A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
