Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
