my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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