The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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