Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
