Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
