alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
where are my pants?
in the oven.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
