Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
