Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
