Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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