lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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