I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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