I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
