I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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