So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
a search helicopter?!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
