my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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