i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
