I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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